The Adventures of Tarabusaw

I am on sick leave today.  I am not feeling well and I had chest pains yesterday night, but I never told my mom.  You know, she’ll freak out for sure.  Maybe this is because of the reports I am currently writing.  Well, I’m the one who’s to blame.  I wasn’t able to finish the reports after the engagements. 

I decided not to work too much today and just relax and rest.  I never touched the broom nor cooked our food.  I just stayed at my sister’s room upstairs.  I was with my cherished laptop listening to music and occasionally answering Madam’s coaching notes.  After my dad and I had our lunch, I went back to the room together with some of my photo albums.  I browsed through it, and saw my evolution from a cute bouncy kid to a big monstrous me.  There’s a section in my album where pictures were from my high school. As I was looking at our pictures, flashes of memory started rolling in.  Then, I saw her again…my young love.   Actually, I never confessed this to anyone.  Even my friends back in high school would never know this. 

We were classmates from freshman to senior year.  She was a transferee, while I was already studying in that school since Grade 1.  We don’t really have a love story to tell.  I don’t even know if our story can be considered as that of love.  But if my memory serves me right, here’s how it went…

We were friends and we belong to the same barkada.  While she had her share of relationships (take note, its plural), I remained single and available.  After her break up with her first boyfriend, some of our classmates courted her.  At siyempre, nakikitukso rin ako.  Some of these courtships went well – they became partners, while others just didn’t pushed-through.  She and her first boyfriend got back together when we were in our Junior year.  But then again, they broke up.  I never knew the reason why.  Even though we’re friends, I never meddle in personal matters.  I wait for them to approach me and tell me their stories.

And that’s the next thing that happened.  She went to me.  She started talking about her – her frustrations, her dreams and her family.  I started asking her questions about her past relationships.  I was so intrigued why nothing really lasts that long.  She said maybe it’s not just workable.  To make the long story short, we became constant chat mates.  We talked about everything.  I noticed that I am starting to feel for her.  But I am resisting the feeling.  Maybe because I was too young that time, and I don’t know how to handle the feeling.  I don’t want to talk about it with my guy friends, because I know they’ll be teasing us.  And I don’t want that to happen to me. 

I contained the feelings with me.  All I know is I’m happy when we’re together.  Since our house is a stones throw away from our school, we would go there during our lunch break so we can enjoy watching TV and rest for a while before our 1:30 p.m. class in Home Ec.   I was comfortable with that setup.  No hang-ups, no commitment.  We enjoy each other’s companies.  It was plain and casual. 

Then one day, one of the guys in our barkada talked to me.  He asked me one question that changed everything – “Kayo na ba?”  I don’t know what to do.  I said of course not, and how in the world did he thought that we are having a relationship.  He told me he’s been noticing extra closeness between us.  I said it’s normal.  But he insisted that there must be really something between us.  I answered, in an angry voice, that there’s really nothing going on!

That night, I don’t know what to feel.  I know I have feelings for her, but why did I deny it?  Was it because I am not yet prepared for a relationship?  Or was it because I was too young and immature at that time?  Maybe it’s because I thought we would never look good as a couple.  Or maybe because there’s really nothing going on – it’s just plain and casual, remember? 

The succeeding days became hard for me.  I was avoiding her.  I became very rude to her.  Everytime she wants to talk to me or asks me favour, I immediately turn it down.  We don’t talk like what we used to do.  I refused her insistence to go to our house during our lunch breaks.  We parted ways, but we never had a formal closure.

Time has been very good to us.  We became friends again, but I became very cautious not to fall for her again.  We graduated high school and headed different directions.  The last time I saw her was during the wake of my grandma.  She still looks the same – long shiny hair, pretty and most of all, talkative.  I think that’s what I like about her – she can speak her mind and she speaks with sense. 

Now, I am thinking – what if I never denied her and instead pursued for her love?  She would’ve been my very first girlfriend.  But, as they say, you cannot cry over spilled milk.  She’s already living her own life now…with her husband and soon to be child.