The Adventures of Tarabusaw

There are some things in our lives that we can’t seem to forget. Even time cannot erase what happened, because in moments of silence, the memories still linger on…

I was in Bangkok for four days for a leisure trip. I thought it can help me ponder on things and decide what’s best for me. But nothing happened. I was still disoriented when I came home last Sunday. Maybe there’s still a part in me that is holding on. Though my brain is telling me to forget, my heart keeps on whispering to stay. Stay even if there is uncertainty… Stay even if it means I have to wait forever… Stay even if there is nothing to wait… If she only knew how I wanted to hold her hands… to kiss her… and to simply love her.

Oh how I wished that she was with me during our trip! It could have been the best vacation I’ve ever had. I went to hear the Sunday mass in one of Bangkok’s Catholic churches. There I found the time to reflect and ask for His help. I asked Him to please let me know what’s best for me. Unlike before, I am no longer asking for her love. I plead that He gave me the strength to let go and forget if that is the right thing to do. I hope this is my first step to moving forward — move forward without her… move forward without the feelings… move forward without the dreams…

Yes, I have loved her but now I need to forget my feelings for her. This is my attempt to do so…

Parang kelan lang, masaya pa tayong dalawa.  Ang saya pa nga natin nung Biyernes eh.  Hindi ko inakala na hanggang Sabado na lang pala tayo magkikita.  Ganun pala yung pakiramdam ng iniwan ka.  Ilang taon na din kitang nakasama.  Pinaghirapan ko pa bago kita makuha.  Dugo’t pawis ang lumabas sa akin maangkin lang kita.  Hindi mo alam kung ga’no ako kasaya nung araw na napasaakin ka.  Alam mo kung kelan ako masaya.  Alam mo kung kelan ako galit.  Alam mo kung kelan ako malungkot.  Ikaw lahat nakakaalam ng emosyon ko. 

Ang dami ko pa man ding balak sa ating dalawa.  Sana isasama kita sa mga biyahe ko dito sa Pilipinas pati na din sa ibang bansa.  Pero wala ka na ngayon eh.  Dapat ko sigurong tanggapin na ganun talaga, may dumadating… may umaalis.  Sana kung nasaan ka man ngayon, masaya ka na.  Sana alagaan ka ng bagong nagmamay-ari sa iyo.  Kailangan na kitang pakawalan…lalo na’t may nakita na akong ipapalit sa iyo.  Alam kong walang makakatumbas sa pinagsamahan natin, pero kailangan kong ituloy ang buhay ko.  Paalam… aking cellphone. =p

I’ve cried for several days not knowing what the exact reasons are.  I was left clueless.  But I’m sure, no one noticed the tears and loneliness.  I guess I’ve practiced hiding my feelings very well, that they can’t seem to distinguish when I’m okay and when I’m not.

Maybe the tears were for the thought of losing someone so dear… someone you love.  And the hurt keeps on mounting knowing that you haven’t done anything to express how you really feel. 

Maybe the tears were for relief. I have long asked myself whether to stay or not… whether to hold on or let go.  Now my questions will be answered.  I can see signs.  It’s not that clear yet, but I know it will be… in due time.

I know my eyes will dry up, my heart will be numb of the agonies I’m feeling right now.  But until that day comes, I will be here… waiting… crying…

True love is a sacred flame

That burns eternally,

And none can dim its special glow

Or change its destiny.

True love speaks in tender tones

And hears with gentle ear,

True love gives with open heart

And true love conquers fear.

True love makes no harsh demands

It neither rules nor binds,

And true love holds with gentle hands

The hearts that it entwines.